Converse Minds - SLAM poem

I am from her womb
And yet sometimes I do not feel like I am her child
The things we don’t say, can’t say
The things we meant, the messages we silently sent
And vocally
Her words pulsing on the air, ringing in my ears
Her brutality baffling my mind, permeating my tears
Everything she doesn’t understand, doesn’t even try to
But I guess I forgot, she’s in command
I’m wise, I’m right, I’M a good person, she shouts
Oh, and obviously I’m a terrible nuisance, a pest?
Why, because I don’t drink up your every word?
Because I challenge you to actually think?
Maybe you don’t mean to, I’d hope not
But you’re pushing me to the brink
In the devious silence our harsh words beat our skulls into realization
The weight of my words hangs heavily on my tongue
Nauseating like a putrid scent
Surely I imagine her heart beating cold and distant
Sometimes I sadly believe she is devoid of one
Then she opens her mouth and I draw back
Afraid for my heart, my emotions, helpless and prone to her
But she doesn’t yell and my heartstrings are tugged by the note in her voice
I’m just trying to do what’s best for you, she says: brow furrowed
Futilely, bitterly I reach my weary hand towards her
And still I want to be in my mother’s arms
Take back all the sadness I’ve caused her
The disappointment, the anger
And somehow our hands clasp
And her body softens
But still…
Agonizing thoughts flutter across my brain
I see her, yelling, imprinted on my lids
And yet…
Why do I love YOU?! I scream..
…It’d be so much easier to hate
You’re a liar, you don’t know me!
You don’t know what’s best for me!
Don’t you dare say that, her words are venomous
They bite
You’re a liar and a hypocrite
You don’t want to help me, you want to control me!
She shouts something so loud the china rattles
I vaguely hear it…but I do
It’s as if my brain is trying to block it out - but it can’t
It’s bold across my forehead, and my eyes glaze
There’s no breath in my lungs and they scream for air
I clutch my chest, tight and constricted
…But it’s nothing – nothing compared to the emotional laceration
And I cry
I’ve been crying on the inside, but now she can see
Stop it, you baby! You think you can make me feel sorry?
No mom, your heart could never be capable of regret, I muse
It’s pathetic; she cries at all the movies
All the romantic stuff I frequently detest
But did she ever shed a tear about all the rest?
The time she hit me, the time she said I’d fail
The time I got straight A’s, not just for me but her too
It’s not like I need payment, but just to know…
She’s always thinking of herself!
She doesn’t listen to me, it’s NO NO NO
And, I know better, and everything else
You must be Christian, you must be straight
You must follow without question, follow MY way
Don’t convert me, I won’t convert you
We don’t have to switch sides, just respect each others
And it won’t make the worse if I’m this or that
I’ll still do good, try my best, help people, go to college, get a job,
Leave the world better than I found it – if I’m blessed
And those are things you want, right?
Then why does ignorance blind your sight?
I just want us to love each other - not fight
I love you, amongst everything
Amongst all the bad words, actions, moments – everything
I remember, remember the good and – you’re my mother
I love you…you love me, right?
…But I don’t say that, I just fall to my knees, vision black
I wonder...will I ever – will she ever – want the other back?